Tooth Brushers Anonymous

“Hey Mandi, come here!” my little sister yelled from the bathroom. Oh no! Not again. I ran and dived into that small place between the couch and the wall hoping I was fast enough to get there before she came running out of the bathroom. I wasn’t. I heard her veer towards the couch. I frantically put my hands over my ears and hoped it was enough to stop her. It wasn’t. I looked up just in time to see her little impish face peer over the couch with a wide grin. Then she did the worst thing I could possible imagine. SHE STARTED BRUSHING HER TEETH! Even thinking about the whole thing makes me shudder and still gives me goose bumps (or as a friend of mine likes to call it, it gives me bumps of geese) It was just so traumatic! Now don’t get me wrong, I am all for dental hygiene and I think people should brush their teeth but I just don’t want to be around when they do it. You see, I can’t stand the sound of the bristles scratching across people’s molars with that “chish chish chish” noise. I guess the best way to describe it would be to liken it to nails on a chalkboard or scratching a fork on a plate. When I hear it I just want to stick my fingers in my ears and curl up in the fetal position on the floor and start humming “The Wheels on the Bus Go Round and Round” or something! It’s just down right awful.

Now I am sure you wondering so I will just go ahead and tell you, yes I still brush my teeth. However that doesn’t mean I enjoy it. Although I use an electronic toothbrush to mask the sound, I still find the whole process to be rather disgusting. Just think about it for a second. First you take a potent glob of oozing goo that is so “minty fresh” that it makes your eyes water and you squeeze it on a stick. Then you cake it on to your teeth and begin foaming like a rabid dog… Pleasant? I think not! Some my argue that “your mouth taste better after you brush your teeth,” but that is what gum or Tic-Tacs are for! Besides, have you ever tried drinking orange juice after you brush? DI-GUSTING!! Brushing your teeth is getting in the way of you living your life! If the prospect of our choppers turning black and rotting out wasn’t an issue I would advocate for us to put the whole silly ritual behind for good!